“This building is shaking right now”

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The Guarantee

This is the year. Don’t argue. Don’t fact-check. The Oracle has spoken: the Knicks are taking the 2026 championship. Print the banner, book the parade, and tell your boss you’ll be ‘sick’ in June.

The Benefits

Rooting for the Knicks has been shown to cure sadness, boost metabolism, and may improve your 3-point shot. Side effects include excessive memeing and use of the term ‘bing bong.’

The Data

Recent research has demonstrated that 97% of knowledgeable basketball fans agree the Knicks are destined to win it all this year. The other 3% are salty Celtics fans big mad and therefore invalid. Trust the data.

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